Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Oh! Oh! I want deliscrumbcious chocolate teddies!!! ^_^

*cough* Someone stepped on my (still non-functional) laptop so it has a crack in the monitor, so I'm told. Looks like I'll be getting myself a new computer. Probably a desktop. I'm not counting on being able to recover any of my files, but thinking about it practically, it's inconsequential. The only irreplaceable things are my old jekki fics, and I backed most if not all of them up on disks.

I was trying to write a letter to nahmool but couldn't think of a thing to write. I have absolutely no experience with love or relationships. But then I noticed the stationery I was scribbling on has tons of useful advice/things to say! I'll list them here:

[/personal blogging]
[random quotes followed by attempts to be witty]

"Free as a bird That's the next best Thing to be Free as a bird home and dry like a homing bird I fly As of a Bird on the wing" Top that, Rickey Kim! It has randomly capitalized letters so you know it has to be poetic and meaningful.

"Lady when you love me I feel home sweet home inside of you sublime This garden is sure to grow" O_O Why does this remind me of a Shinhwa rap — acoustically pleasing but making absolutely no sense? It sound really sexual, too...

"I love you always for ever near and far closer to gether every where I will be with you every thing" This reminds me of the "I tell you every-ting" lady from Mad TV. --;;;

"Make somebody happy. Make just one somebody happy." Awww. Sweet isn't it? Until you reach the next line: "And then you will be happy too." Then it just sounds self-serving.

"Wir reden mit Ihnen Telefonseelsorge Innsbruck" Yeah. What they said.

"Dear My Lover Share my life Take me for what I am Cause I'll never change All my colors for you" It's pretty sad when this is deeper than anything I can come up with.

"When thou art nigh, No though of grief comes o'er my heart.." This fine line comes from a winking teddy bear wearing a pink backpack with the picture of a baby wearing a bunny hoodie on it.

"I guess being a grown person means standing tall even at the time of groomy night sky" Nahmool, stand tall! Don't let the groomy night sky scare you!! Or if you prefer, gwoomy. Heh.

And in case those things weren't terribly helpful (heaven knows why)... one final advice:

"Good health starts with cleanliness"

Amen to that.

09:29 a.m. †

Sunday, November 10, 2002

You know you've finally reached your goal of feeling nothing when you can't even be happy for reaching that goal. I am completely, emotionally void. I told myself that several times, half-expecting my inner-child to pipe up and say I'm in denial, that I'm really hurting inside and longing to be rescued from my past, from myself. But nothing. I cried a bit Friday (five teardrops to be exact) because I figure that's what normal people would do in the situation I found myself in but I didn't feel sad, bitter, or resentful. Nor do I feel numb, or empty. Permanent dissociation with self, perhaps.

[added 03:25 p.m.]
First Maggie-san and now nahmool... O_O Note: I am not the least bit down. Really. And I'm surprised that people took it that way. If anything, I'd be happy about the lack of feelings because it makes me more Soujiro-like. ^_^ This entry was simply a statement of fact, meant to be taken literally. I guess when people write that they're apathetic, they're doing it with a good deal of depression and cynicism, the words an attempt to convince themselves that they really don't care. But I'm brutally honest with my feelings, whether it's to myself or to others. Why bother lying when it makes no difference?

My thought process is radically different from most people, "normal" or "weird." It's the main reason I have low empathy for others, and why others can't seem to "figure me out," no matter how openly I answer their questions. The most memorable comment I got started out "I have no idea whom or what you are..." It amused me greatly to be considered perhaps not-human. No, this isn't a fit of depression either. Does a machine grieve over its lack of emotions? Wait, that sounds kind of bad, too. Gah, I can't win. Damn my inarticulacy (if that's a real word).

12:14 p.m. †

Wednesday, November 6, 2002

I had my last midterm today — interview part for Japanese. I screwed up a little bit; had to ask the T.A. to repeat one of the questions. But that class is pretty easy and I've been getting perfects on the quizzes anyway. And! I got a very solid A in my psych & law midterm. ^_^ I was somewhat concerned, since I hadn't paid attention to the last two guest speakers (sleeping one time, and working on the subaru-layout the other =P) and that stuff isn't in the book. Plus, I forgot to look up specific cases we were supposed to know, because I was preoccupied with preparing for the Korean skit. Which also went very well, actually. It was cute and funny and performed smoothly. The professor told the rest of the class (we were the second group to go) to do it to the new standard, and incorporate vocab and grammar patterns from class like we did.

I ended up working only 6 hours on Saturday (but 9 on Thursday, prepping for the event) and for half of that time, I was delegated photographer. And now I want a digital camera of my own. They're so much fun! Coincidentally, a catalogue on digital cams was waiting in the mailbox when I came home that afternoon, so I started flipping through it to get a general idea. I'm not willing to spend as much as Maggie-san so I have to pick the options most important to me carefully. ^_^;; But anyway, work is slow again. I'll play with images and tinker with brushes.

Oh yes. I got one professor to write me a rec already... two others agreed but I have to give them a copy of my personal statement, which I haven't yet written x_x and sit down and chat with them a bit. Ah... I'm sick of this layout. I think I'll go make a cheerful Fruits Basket one. ^_^ Momiji-kun!!!

P.S. Megatokyo's capture the b34r shirt is so cute!

03:59 p.m. †

Thursday, October 31, 2002

dear omibook, you sadistic piece of machinery, i hope you die a horrible and painful death. but please curb the suicide attempts until i get a replacement and transfer all the files onto it. arigatou. your master and evil counterpart, nagibook

*sigh* Since yesterday morning (otherwise known as the shittiest morning in my recollectible history for a variety of reasons), my computer has refused to go to the Windows screen. It keeps giving a "system error, please insert disk and press any key" message. I think that's what usually pops up when I have a floppy inserted when I start up, only this time, I don't. Gah, my psych notes are in there and the midterm is tomorrow. More importantly, I can't get to my fanfics -- edited versions I hadn't yet posted, as well as scraps of incomplete chapters I was working on.

Maybe I'll go donate at the blood drive to make myself feel better. I could buy a couple DVDs with the 4-hour work comp time I'll get... it'll be amusing to be able to tell people I sold my blood for anime. ^_^ But the thought of needles still makes me semi-phobic.

Everyone seems down lately. Almost makes me feel like a happy person in comparison. I read these emotional entries and really wish I could help, or say something that'll magically make things better, but I don't and I can't. I'm the type to wait for people to come to me, and I think that gets mistaken for not caring. Or maybe I really don't care. Who the fuck knows? And I say stupid ass shit like this that sounds so incredibly moronic I wonder why I bother saying anything at all.

09:08 a.m. †

Saturday, October 26, 2002

Don't really feel like blogging. Just wanted to check how the new layout looks. I need more practice with Photoshop. Oh yeah, I know I'm slow but I just love how Suwon's dressed here.