Sunday, April 27, 2003
     I wanted to put up a Hikago layout before blogging but it looks like that'll take a bit more time. What a lazy procrastinator I am. Anyway, I played netgo for the first time yesterday, with nahmool. =D It was much fun for me, probably boring for her. Now I'm hooked - I can see myself playing in all my spare time. But I really suck, even for a beginner so if anyone's just starting out or wants to learn, play with me! MEEEE!!!
     So many cute blonde bishies... *_* I'm in the midst of Full Moon wo Sagashite and Star Ocean EX. The former is amazingly like my childhood favorite cartoon... or what I can remember of it anyway. If the animation wasn't so modern, I'd believe it -was- the same cartoon, and the slight discrepencies were due to mismemory. The latter... I like mostly because of the voice cast. It's hard to separate the people from the characters they play once you identify them.... and the Weiss Kreuz cast is on the top of my favorite seiyuu list (the ones whose songs I liked anyway).
     Speaking of Weiss seiyuu and blondes, Faust from Shaman King is also kind of pretty, in a creepy, zombie-esque way. I dloaded episode 52, thinking it was Witch Hunter Robin special (April fools' joke) and it seems pretty fun. More so than WHR anyway. I think I kind of get what's going on now.
     They're cutting back more than I thought at my workplace. My boss' position was "deleted." That's how they phrased it. It was not only shocking, but screwed up the way they handled it. I'm glad I'm graduating soon, although perhaps it'll be even worse.
     I'd write what I did and other interesting stuffs like everyone else but I'm a boring person that does nothing but watch anime all the time now. =PPP Man, I'll definitely miss the fast connection at work. Must leech as much as possible till then.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003
And now for no good reason at all, I have a livejournal account. And it rained today. And yesterday, too.

Thursday, April 3, 2003
     Never read a book about war that climaxes with murder and cannibalism right before going to bed. I dreamt a vampire were after me but I couldn't remember the prayers to ward him off. There was a period when I prayed the rosary daily, and also once more on Sundays during the Legion of Mary group meetings... so 8 times a week, 53 Hail Marys and 6 Our Fathers each if I remember correctly - yet for the life of me, I couldn't remember the words. I flipped through the Bible I held in my hand as I ran, but was too hurried to find the correct passages. Then, it was zombies after me, coming from all direction and trying to eat my flesh while I shot them off with guns. Kind of like Resident Evil and Blade combined, I guess.
     I was dead tired from going to bed at 3 a.m. but realized I couldn't sleep till the last possible second, as my roommate was getting up. It looks like we have similar schedules this quarter, and since she takes forever in the bathroom, I have to get up on time to be able to beat her to it, or be late to all of my classes.
     Chief-san has been treating me to lunch more and more often lately. I feel kind of bad, because I probably have more saved up than he does - people seem to live paycheck to paycheck now - and he has that webcasting hobby of his to pay for but he's pretty insistent on the matter. Says his bosses often bought him lunch, and it's a good tradition to have. Whatever. If he wants to, I guess I should stop protesting.
     I think I've been getting a sense of entitlement lately, slowly shedding my feelings of worthlessness. It used to be that I went home rarely, not because I didn't want to but because of the small inconvenience it causes my brothers. But it's stupid to think that way, to constantly feel guilty about insignificant things. Always molding my life to others' comfort and disregarding what I want.... If I devalue myself, how can I expect other people to not do the same?
     A good deal of the self-hatred fading is thanks to nahmool. It's hard to fester the self-hatred when someone loves me near-unconditionally (not meaning to be presumptuous ^_^). In a way, I feel selfish because I've received so much in way of support and happiness, but maybe one day... I can repay the debt. Ahh! I just got all sappy, didn't I? I think I watched the Kisa episode of Fruits Basket one time too many.
     Man, I'm sick to death of this layout (part of the reason I haven't been blogging much) but can't do much without Photoshop. Not that I have a picture or a layout idea yet... *groans* I've gotten lazier and even more un-creative than ever. And I'm still toying with the idea of starting a new blog - one I wouldn't mind too much if real-life people found it. I wrote way too much personal crap in this one, and apparently, pitas won't let you get rid of your archive. -_-;;

Tuesday, April 1, 2003
pokey's blog. nahmool's thoughts in the [ ]s. pokey's meager contribution to her own blog in the ( )s.

"ew. i really hate diet foods of any kind. how disgusting. nahmool, how can you eat/drink those things? bleh. mmm... nahmool makes the best cookies ever (pokey wants some now). i wish she were here now so that i wouldn't fall asleep as i read this book. it goes too much into detail... how boring. nahmool was right. i have the book on the desk and i glance down at it, then at the computer screen - glancing longer and more often at the computer screen until the book's been closed and i'm plotting fujima/hana fics.

today was the same as any other day but nonetheless interesting [or to nahmool it is anyway]. i woke up this morning to the sound of my alarm, moaning and contemplating whether or not i should go back to sleep. i realized that one of my roommates was already up though, so i rushed to get to the bathroom before she did. i arrived to class late, but eh... it's okay. i daydreamed about fujima/hana throughout the whole lecture anyway and mentally catalogued points of why shoyo's the best school (they really are!!).

i really wish i went to work where i didn't have to see people. i really think fujima/hana is clouding all of my thoughts. [or maybe just nahmool thinks that.] i went to work thinking up possible fic scenaries (actually, i spend more time reviewing all of their scenes together than thinking up ficstuff... like fuji slapping hana's ass, hana giving the unneccessarily long sideways look when the girl is squealing over shaking fuji's hand, hana with his dorkass square frames and cardigan ^___^ sitting behind fuji and leaning forward toward him the entire game, etc.). later pretending to work, i amused myself by downloading more anime, but i always do that. nahmool nagged about me not blogging. i promised i would but ultimately didn't because the blog i wrote was a long rant i figured no one would want to read. [too bad nahmool wanted to read it! hmph. you tease] (gomen! gomen!)

after work i went to another class. i was kind of worried about what i would say to one of my classmates, as things are kind of awkward between us now. oh well. his fault for being so dumb to begin with. that class was spent thinking about more fujima/hana, wondering whether to blog about them first or try writing a fic, and then blogging. i still haven't decided yet. i should probably worry about whether or not i'm going to find a job after i graduate from school... if all else fails, nahmool promised i could go live with her in new york. i'm sure she'd take really good care of me. ^____^ [-nod- -nod- -nod-]

i still feel rather chagrined about the B+ i got in korean last quarter. ARGH. i guess i will go live with nahmool afterall. we can speak/write in broke ass korean together.

i hate april fool's day. how stupid. this website put up a retarded april fool's joke and now i can't access the anime to download. i guess it's for the better though, since i don't have much space left on my hard drive anyway.

mm... must go think of hana and fuji some more...

nahmool, are you happy? [no, not really, seeing as how i wrote this entry for you.]"

*** -sigh- pokey says i have to specify that it's hanagata not hanamichi she daydreams about. i don't see why she doesn't just blog herself. -glare-

ehehe. ^___^ i like being pokey's unpaid secretary (not as much as i do ^^;;;).

Friday, March 28, 2003
     Spring break went by rather quickly, even though it was nearly two weeks this year (due to my finals ending early). I basically spent weekends at parents' home watching new DVDs and my weekdays at the apt, spending roughly 1/3 of the day sleeping, another third going to work and dloading Hikaru no Go (last week)/Slam Dunk (this week), and the rest doing necessary stuff like showering and eating, and watching aforementioned anime. I'm nearly finished dloading SD, so I should be able to send that to you within a few weeks, fulawar. It would be sooner but I need to go home to get blank CDs and then do a massive burning. By the way, put up your HxH layout and blog already!!
     I can't believe there's so few HnG sites, at least English ones. It's just so great. *sigh* I played Matt go (badook for you Korean people) last weekend when I went home, figuring we'd be even since neither of us had played before. Then, I got my ass kicked. Damnit. I just don't get go. Maybe it's one of those things you have to learn when you're young, or you'll never "see" the right moves. Like janggi. I'm good at that, but I suck at the regular American chess, since I didn't learn the latter until high school. B-but... I want to achieve the Hand of God, damnit! That, or start eating ramyun for every meal. Yum... ramyun.
     Lately, I've been realizing how lucky I've been these college years. I haven't had to take out any loans or get help from my parents, and my jobs, first year aside, have been pretty cushy and secure. If I had been born a few years later, I'd have to deal with the state-wide educational budget cuts and probably would be stressing about money all the time. I was shocked to hear that my friend was recently let go due to downsizing of the department. I didn't know it was possible to be dismissed from a student worker job on campus, even when one was incompetent. I thought schools were supposed to shelter you from real-life stuff. Scary.
     I totally give up on exercise. I tried to do the treadmill a few days ago and didn't last 15 minutes, and nearly half of that was walking, albeit speed walking. It's not so much that it's difficult or that I'm unwilling to set aside the time, but rather it's just so horrendously dull that I want to go home and do something else, anything else. Maybe I should join that hiphop class my friend was talking about. ^^;;; Yeah right. I can't dance at all.

Tuesday, March 25, 2003
     Gomen. I haven't been blogging lately. I just realized how awesome the connection at work is, and have been dloading like crazy. I've really gotten into Hikaru no Go. Not even three weeks since I learned what it was about and I've already read the Sai saga several times and watched up to episode 68 of the anime. The main character is extremely likeable, although he's unremarkable as anime characters go.
     I haven't had time for much else... chatting, blogs, fanfics, etc. I want to make up a Hikago layout soon though. And go running. I'm sure I gained weight lately. So much yummy food to eat whenever I go home, and Mom always packs me a lot of stuff to take back.
     Mom's been sick lately. Since both her parents passed away due to stomach cancer(?), she's at risk and needs to be more careful. I wish she'd take it easy... but she's always busy helping everyone else and she gets stressed so easily. *sigh*
     Yay! Nahmool got us pretty couple rings. ^__^ Now I have to get her something really really nice... must. brainstorm. Too bad I have awful taste in girl stuff. I've always been more into video games and toys than clothes or jewelry. Can't think of anything else right now so -end-.

Monday, March 3, 2003
pokey has decided to make nahmmy her unpaid secretary. at first nahmmy didn't think it was a very cool job since the main reason why she wants pokey to blog is because she wants something to READ, but pokey refuses to do so. she says she has too much to say but doesn't have the time (or maybe the patience) to write it all down in one sitting. when nahmmy suggested that pokey write a little bit at a time on WordPad and save it until there's time later, pokey replied that a blog entry isn't a frickin' essay. so nahmmy lost and now she's writing pokey's blog for her. nahmmy has no idea why she is doing this. maybe she is incredibly bored and passing time as she hopes pokey will eventually change her mind.

pokey also scared nahmool with a picture from a scene from the RING. nahmool thinks the movie was retarded but that one particular picture freaks her out. -nahmool whimpers- -pokey laughs- "ahahahah."

today pokey went to work. and she also said she was going to stop by the store and buy foil after she got off. nahmool isn't sure if that's what she did but she asked pokey if she was planning to make a foil swan. she said that's not what the foil was intended for but apparently pokey wants to learn how to make one of those because it makes leftovers look pretty... or something along those lines.

nahmool then asked if pokey was going to make those hats so that aliens couldn't read pokey's mind. somehow this ended up in a discussion about the simpsons like the time the american or national or whatever baseball league had a whole bunch of satellites in the sky and recorded everything the people were doing. and then mark what's his face was in the end and said, "folks, would you like me to explain ALL of this? or watch me hit a few dingers?" and the crowd cheered, "dingers!" and that was that.

now that nahmool thinks about it, the term "pokey's unpaid secretary" seems like a polite way of saying "pokey's bitch." and somehow nahmool feels no shame... or at least not enough to stop doing this.

I LOVE YOU, NAHMERS! So there you go, folks. Even my useless drivel can be turned into something amusing. At least, amusing to me. *cheeks hurting from laughing* Bah, I can't believe I had to write this paragraph on my own. Do a better job of reading my mind, slave. ^__^

Wednesday, February 26, 2003
cs: l33t talk counts as a language.
me: i wish i knew binary. that'd be cool. 001101001
cs: i don't know how far that'd get you.
me: i could communicate with computers. at least according to sci-fi novels.
cs: i can do that already. it's called a keyboard and a mouse.
me: that doesn't count. that's like saying "i know how to talk to a korean person. it's called them knowing english."
     Enough with the analogies! My lovely powerbook has arrived in store! And yes, it can kick all of your PCs' asses (I'm assuming). ^_^ I get to watch anime and be all fangirly again.
     The first thing I'm planning on downloading is Hunter x Hunter. This picture of Kurapica I saw on some blog totally did me in (this is the mystery blond bish I was raving about, nahmool!). I hope the episodes aren't as slow to dload as fulawar was complaining about them being. ^_^ Ahh, who cares! I can content myself with manga scanlations during the wait. Wai, I wish it was tomorrow already. I want my pokeybook, damnit! ^___^

Wednesday, February 19, 2003
I am extremely clumsy when it comes to human interaction, especially with that of the opposite sex. A guy flirts with me innocently and I tend to get all -_-;; faced and awkward feeling-ed. So much that I need to use imaginary words to try to explain what it's like. And then I go and say something that makes me feel all guilty later, but I can't take it back because I'm just stupid like that.
     Oekaki is interesting. There's a lot of really good artists (torumi in particular comes to mind). And it's completely mind-blowing what some people can do, even without tablets. @_@ Their mouse-drawings are 100x better than what I can ever do. Of course, a silly thing like lack of talent isn't going to deter me from trying a hand at oekaki. No, the confusingness of how to start will do that for me. Somehow, drawing in Photoshop *points to thumbnail above* isn't the same.
     Man, iBooks are extremely pretty. So much that I'm on the verge of switching to a Mac. Yes, they're just that cute and nifty-looking. But the thought of such a big change (at least in my mind) is making me apprehensive. >_< It's not like I know a lot... make that any Mac owners... to ask for feedback, either. Simply using Macs at school doesn't count, because they get the cheap crap, lots of idiots can use it (and thus screw it up), and other stuff that makes for negative experiences. Argh. I don't know. Indecision.

Monday, February 17, 2003
     Feeling very lethargic right now. Was planning to write nahmool a jekki fic for our 2-year, but don't think I can. I can't write anything creative on this stupid computer because it annoys me so much. It's slow and the screen is too small but the monitor takes up too much space anyway. The humming, while not loud for a desktop, drives me crazy. I'd have bought myself a laptop already but I can't decide whether to get the Dell Inspiron 2650 or the Latitude X200. Or maybe I should get the prettier Gateway one. I've even been considering Macs since they're better for foreign languages. >_< Maybe I'll ask my brother for advice.
     Ack! Looks like Omi wasn't the only one smacked with the British disease. Gluhen!Crawford beats even Gluhen!Yohji for worst change. What the hell is up with the monocle? @_@ And Schuldig's suspenders. And Nagi's "I've been watching too much Gundam Wing" look. I miss widdle big-headed Naggles with his huge chibi eyes. ;_; Come baaaack, dinky animation with the cute character designs of the past!!

Friday, February 14, 2003
Stuff in short:
- Considering switching back to blogger so I have a delete everything option.
- Got a stupid haircut but like it anyway.
- Midterms done with; don't think I did well.
- Watched a bunch of (probably really old) MVs. Smiled myself stupid over Shinhwa's Nuh-eh Gyul-hon-shik MV. Andy!! Although his royal shortness Minwoo looks cuter with his blondeness and that scarf. YG Family MV's pretty funny, too, although nothing can top Hoon's super-duper cute MV. *tackleglomps Hoon, since nahmool rejected him for Lee Jungjae* ^___^ Man, I've missed k-pop.
- Received a rose from a guy friend. Who'da thunk?
- Got to watch the new anime (wai, PSoH was great! love Count D).
- Schwarz comes out in Gluhen (10?)!! Nagi supposedly got hotter although there's mixed reports about Crawford-sama. And poor me only saw 1 and 2. ;_;
- Sick to death of canon-based and/or introspection X fics. How many times can people write about the same damn scenes, including the same damn quotes and same damn interpretations? Will stick to AUs for now.

Thursday, January 23, 2003
     As if I'm not already falling horribly behind in my classes due to usual lack of caring, I've spent the last... hm... 7-8 hours reading Harry Potter fanfiction. It was only a matter of time, I guess, as I had already devoured a majority of X/TB, GW, Gravi, YnM, and WK fics (among other anime series) on FFnet. I had even wandered into the fairy tale section and dipped my toe into the plethora of K/K Kenshin fics, although I usually prefer shounen-ai.
     Mmm... Snape/Harry slash... What's with my obsession with older, condescending, dubiously evil guys being paired with the young, innocent-on-the-surface do-gooder who happen to be on conflicting yet complementary teams? Which reminds me, I need to find some more Seishirou/Kamui fics. And definitely more Crawford/Omi. *drools* That pairing is way underappreciated.
     I should put off fangirlism until I can afford the time, but I have a feeling I'll find a way to fit in a daily 5-13 hours of reading until I've finished reading all the HP fics that are at least mildly entertaining. *sigh* Reading has always been an addiction. I'd be loathe to stop for things like eating, sleeping, or class. I'd simply hide my novel behind a textbook and tune the teacher out. Sometimes, it happened right during midterms and finals, but reading was a compulsion I couldn't or wouldn't ignore.
     My mind always gets hazy and it's like everything else goes on mute after a few days of burying myself in stories. I'm on automatic, and the real world is no longer real, but a peripheral detail to be ignored. My eyes would ache, my vision blur, and my stomach start feeling funny as I stayed up until 4 or 5 when I had school in a few hours, but I was too engrossed to think about stopping. Most books were read in one sitting regardless of length, which is why I have such poor memory for names and titles of stories that I've only read once. Several hours and I'd reach the end, and have no need to recall that information to pick up where I left off.
     Fortunately, my voracious appetite meant I ran out of new material very, very quickly, despite my nearly indiscriminate taste. Nothing to read meant returning to a normal, balanced life. But with fanfics, the amount to go through is so large that it'll take me weeks or months to go through most the stories in a single fandom, even at the freakish rate I consume them. Well, I guess here's my chance to practice the finer art of self-control.
     I had this dream yesterday morning, where I got a recommendation letter from this professor I had last year. Only instead of good things, it was basically a character assassination, detailing specific instances that exemplified my shortcomings, both as a student and as a person. Mom was there reading along and I couldn't deny anything because they were true, though a bit misleading and unfair. I was feeling all bitter for getting suckered into hopes and ambition. If I had never tried for law school, none of the stuff would have come out, and I would've been a lot happier. Gee, I wonder if my subconscious is trying to tell me something.
     "pokupoku-san, you ate a hotdog at recycling plant... i have nothing further your honour." You're so cute, Maggs! ^_^ The image on my comments box is of Nagi and Tot from Weiss Kreuz. Quite possibly by favorite Nagi pairing... that kissing scene when he lurches forward and they bump noses is so sweet! *melts* It also reminds me of Suwon. He likes the sexy older women. *smirk*
     Thanks to esca-san for thinking I'm "funny" though that may be an odd-funny rather than a haha-funny. ^^;; And ful-ful, where's your kickass yet somewhat scarily-imaged new layout? Are you waiting til a few more months pass and you'll finally blog again?

Tuesday, January 21, 2003
     The long weekend certainly went by fast. I went up to Yosemite right after class on Friday, and didn't return until Monday afternoon. It was nice, getting away and forgetting all about school and everyday concerns.
     The first half of the trip was pretty fun. I didn't ski or snowboard, but I did ice skate at the nice outdoor rink. Also trekked out to the waterfall, looked at the American-Indian wares, and romped in the snow. The cold weather was one of the reasons I agreed to go on the trip, even though I don't much care for scenery or traveling. I'm too concerned about how much mud my shoes are tracking, or how I'll need to scrub the dirt off my pants when I get back to appreciate nature.
     Things kind of went downhill Saturday night, when I spent a good 30-45 minutes getting acquainted with the toilet, feeling sicker than I ever have since eighth grade, when I ate that hotdog at that recycling plant opening I went to. And just like that time, sticking my finger down my throat did not help at all. Sucks... everyone else makes it look so easy too. After a lot of poundings and massaging of the spine by Mom, as well as some nasty-ass soju, I managed to throw up a third of the awful buffet dinner and was well enough to go to sleep. Needless to say, I avoided buying any food and stuck to the stuff we had brought the rest of the weekend. Kind of sucks though. I wanted my first time vomiting to be the result of getting smashingly drunk, or being witness to a gruesome murder scene, not because I ate bad fish.
     Sunday, I spent sleeping in the cabin all day while everyone else went to mass at the small church they have, and then went around sightseeing and taking more pictures. If I had Paul's digicam, I probably would have gone along but since I didn't, I figured I wasn't missing much.
     There really isn't much else to say about the trip. There was very limited entertainment and everyone went to bed at nine. And since we were sharing one room, I had to go to bed at the same time as everyone else, or sit still in the dark room. Which I was fine with doing once I got up at 1 a.m., thinking it was morning already, but Mom seemed to think it was odd. So I changed and tramped outdoors to the communal guest lounge, which was empty, and sat there staring into space. Which isn't as boring as it sounds, since I'm usually too busy thinking to notice my surroundings under normal circumstances. But they should consider putting in an arcade or PC room.
     The 6-7 hour drive home seemed even longer than the one up there, but at least I got to ride shotgun. Sitting with my cousin and her two brats was not so much uncomfortable as it was annoying. I could even tune out the scoldings Mom gave the brats about how spoiled they were, and how we (me and my family) used to travel around when we were young, seven of us in one car and not complaining half as much. Ah, the beauty of selective memory. It's so much easier to make a point when you tweak the truth.
     My conclusion: I would have had more fun staying home and watching anime (four weeks and counting since I've last seen anything) but since I got some fresh air and exercise, I guess it was an even trade.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003
     The deadlines draw nearer yet I still have done nothing. All I want to do is sleep and not think lately. I've cooked maybe one meal the past five days and eaten out the other times. No, wait. I heated up soup, too. Goodie for me. I haven't done any reading for my classes. I haven't met up with friends or gone to social gatherings, although I don't really care much about that. I probably wouldn't have had much fun anyway. Too much effort pretending to be normal.
     I've taken to writing a lot but it's not the least bit satisfying. It sounds good in my head but comes out so horribly dry and boring on notepad that I could cry. But that takes too much feeling so I simply delete and restart from scratch. Then decide it doesn't flow and work on another fic, only to find that doesn't work as well.
     I love writing but I usually don't talk about it because to tell the truth, it's a little embarassing. When people talk about "their writing," it always sounds as if it's writing with a capital W. Like it's this deep, poetic creation chock full of meaning, the end product a publishably great piece of work that's the result of tears and sweat and a piece of your soul.
     Maybe it's really supposed to be taken that seriously. Maybe I'm just an uncultured swine for enjoying stories for something as superficial as entertainment value. That's why I would never consider myself a writer, even though the only qualification seems to be... well... to have written something. It would seem awfully arrogant of me, to place myself among the talented, those who can do more than string words together into coherent sentences.
     This rant isn't going anywhere so I'll change topics. I talked to Mom on the phone last weekend, after she got back from Korea. There's something about talking to your mom that makes you feel like a kid again, all safe and warm and taken care of. Even my speech alters slightly, so that I'm using simpler, straightforward sentences. Although that could just be a lack of fluency in Korean. ^^;;
     She said she bought me gloves, which I need. But yellow? It doesn't fit my personality at all. Doesn't it mean happy, cheerful, warm, or something like that? It hasn't been my favorite color in at least seven years. I'm not sure if it ever was my favorite, although I clung to that as the answer long after I decided I liked blue better.
     I think I liked it only because Mom liked to see me in yellow. Without fail, she'd call me a byungahri and say how cute I was and stuff. I don't know why. Yellow wasn't any more flattering than anything else, and her favorite color is red. Man, I must really be out of it if favorite colors seem like a fascinating topic. I need some shut-eye.

Tuesday, January 7, 2003
     I find something new to like about my job everyday. Like how I can order stuff from Staples. Hey, I happen to really like office supplies! A trip to Office Depot was better than going to the mall. All those new, perfectly packaged desk tools... pretty and functional... *pikupiku* I think I'll put in a request for a pair of stainless steel scissors and a box of rollerball pens first thing tomorrow. I'm ridiculously easy to please at times.
     Oh yeah, it seems I also have personal webspace with virtually unlimited bandwidth. Hm... I should do something with it or it'll feel like a waste. Maybe I'll put up mp3s or something for people to download. Can't be anything long-term since it'll be gone once I stop working there this summer.
     The folklore class seems fun and interesting, but half the grade comes from fieldwork and the research paper we have to write on it. I dislike research papers. It's hard to slam something out last minute when you're required to cite other sources instead of just making stuff up as you go. But it's mostly the fieldwork that's causing me to consider dropping. I don't want to go out and find a relevant group of people and then interview them. That'd require, y'know, effort and planning ahead. Depending on others for the quality of the end product rather than on myself.
     Thought this ad for lube was clever. I guess my mind really is rolling in the gutter because it took me less than half a minute to get. Damn the yaoi smut. Seriously though, I'm pretty tired of lemon fics, even if they're not PWP. Fluff and suggestive-but-clean humor are much more my thing.

Sunday, January 5, 2003
     I wish rent was cheaper in L.A. I so throughly enjoyed having my own room the past three weeks, not having to put up with stupid "how was your day/weekend"-type questions and not having to adjust my sleeping schedule so as to not disturb hers. Damn, I miss my laptop. ;_; I think I might just buy another one, as it seems my brother isn't going to help me build a desktop anytime soon. The temp computer I have won't let me watch divx, so I have to fill up on anime the rare times I go home.
     Speaking of which, thank you, esca! I was expecting you to pick the one you thought was best, not a bunch... well, guess I (still) owe you one! If you need a favor in the future, don't hesitate to ask! ^^;;; I hope my brother's computer can play them... especially Petshop of Horrors. I've seen it parodied/crossovered so many times, I'm getting rather curious.
     This break felt somewhat productive, but looking back, it really wasn't. I spent time revising old fics but that meant I didn't write anything new. >_< Sucks.
     Ah, did the early check on my LSAT score. Not bad, especially considering the fact that I was guessing on the latter half of the games section - felt too pressured for time to actually work the problems out. I guess that's what I get for not taking a prep course or doing timed exercises. But then again, I still did better than my friend who shelled out a grand for testmasters and took time off work to attend the courses and do the insane amount of practice required.
     Still can't decide whether to go to law school. I'm sure I'll get in somewhere, but definitely not my first choice. So I don't feel like going through the trouble of writing personal statements and filling out the applications. I'm somewhat of an extremist - it's gotta be all or nothing. Damn scary future looming ahead... where's a road-to-life map when you need one?

Wednesday, January 1, 2003
     I had a Carrie-esque dream where I was attending a snooty private school and I had been wronged and in my opinion, humiliated. I couldn't even target who had taken part, since there were so many people involved. It seemed like everyone there was, to some degree. So under the guise of a morale-boosting schoolwide contest, I got people up for an "innocent" question-and-answer segment, with everyone watching. With a few well-placed words, one girl was exposed for cheating on her boyfriend with his best friend. I felt a brief moment of guilt for him, but then shoved it out of my mind, reminding myself that all of these people were responsible.
     They didn't catch on to what I was doing until I got the principal on, and quizzed her about inaction when I tried to find recourse through the proper means. How she allowed things to happen and didn't give a shit because I wasn't important like all the other rich students. And I knew as I provided evidence of how my harrassment report sat in her bag, never going anywhere, that I had won the war.
     And I was crying. It felt good, finally being able to let go and let myself grieve for being victimized. I was actually crying when I woke up, the pillow already damp. What a strange way to start out the year. Well, at least it's better than that dream where I was Sandra Bullock (shudder) and making out with Hugh Grant (double shudder).
     I kind of wish I had gone home. My cousin probably made ddukgook. Although... nothing could beat the church's. Theirs was the best, and worth attending mass for once a year. That's probably a sacriligeous thing to say. --;;
     I decided to scrap the usual "get straight A's" and "do crunches everyday"s that's made up my list of resolutions all the prior years. It's not like I ever followed through with them. So this year, I'm keeping my list short and simple:
          1. Think before I speak.
          2. Practice patience in all things.
          3. Get over obsessive-compulsive behaviors.
Oh and before I forget, someone on the CLAMPesque ML drew this and I just had to share. Naked Fuuma and hands-tied Kamui. Cute, ne?
     Random story - yesterday, when I came back up from throwing the trash away, the door wouldn't open. Idiot me had locked myself out. The manager wasn't in and the apartment was deserted, as everyone else went home to be with their loved ones. Not wanting to wait in the cold in pajamas for another four hours till my roommate gets home, I decided hell, I'll just break in. It's comforting to know how easy it was. Within seconds, I had popped out the screen and jiggled the window open, and was groping around to get the blinds up when I heard my roommate call me. From inside the house. Turns out her office closed early due to the holiday, and she was the one who locked me out. Figures.

Monday, December 30, 2002
     Every time I reveal something important, I feel like I'm losing a piece of myself. Like those words, my memories, are being drained off. All the understanding, sympathy, and reassurance that I'm not the only one that I may get isn't worth what I'm giving up. Pride in my independence, maybe. Control, definitely. I can't change what's happened so all I can do is limit how much people know.
     I want to take back everything, wrench the information from people's brains and lock it back up inside me. In that vein, nahmool, please delete any emails from me that you've kept that's not superficiality at the worst. I know I have no way of forcing you or making sure that you did, but I'm trusting you to respect my wishes.
     Too often now, I can't connect with my past self and it feels like I've always been the me that I am now. One would think I'd want to get rid of all the bad shit, but if that's gone, then I've lost an important part of my identity. Distantly, I remember being miserable, feeling suffocated by hatred and wretchedness. But I can't understand why. Sure, things weren't great, to put it mildly, but I didn't have to be so fucking depressed all the time. What the hell did that accomplish?
     Did I bring the more misery to myself than everyone else I blamed by insisting on feeling sorry for myself? Was I just overreacting all that time? And even I was, is this emotional void of the present really preferably? I can't even feel envious of happy people, or long for a closer relationship with my family. I'm fine with staying in my isolated bubble, but is that really okay?

Thursday, December 26, 2002
     Grandma succumbed to cancer sometime between the 23rd/24th. Half the family flew out immediately to join Mom for the funeral. I wonder if they made it in time Christmas... considering flight time and the time difference, maybe they skipped over most of it. Well, not like we celebrate, so it doesn't matter. In any case, I'm relieved for Grandma. It seemed like she was in a lot of pain and discomfort back in October, and it only could've gotten worse toward the end. Mom sounded really weak, too. I wonder if I could be so devoted and caring if I was in her position. I hope I never have to find out.
     Still, Christmas wasn't a somber affair. It was... pretty much like any other day, actually, but with people bringing us food. Paul got a digicam. People with girlfriends are lucky.

Sunday, December 22, 2002
     Maybe it's because I'm not a verbal person, but I've had some of the deepest, most meaningful conversations online, as opposed to in person or on the phone. I just finished a pretty long chat, and found out stuff I've suspected, but never expected to see confirmed. Straightforward honesty and openness is so refreshing.
     Whenever people tell me personal shit they've been through, I can't seem to help doing the comparison thing, thinking s/he is just like me... and then feeling closer because of similarity of the situation. But down the line, I realize it's not the same at all. Their feelings, thoughts, reactions, etc. are much different than mine. And I'm disappointed yet again because no one will understand me.
     He said I've probably been hurt in the past and that's why I don't open up to people. That's pretty general - isn't that the true for most people who are wary of relationships? I'm flattered that he took the time to psychoanalyze me but I don't think it's my case. You have to care enough about someone to have been burned like that and I was never too emotionally attached to people, except to my younger brother. But then again, denial can be a powerful thing. People often don't recognize what's right in front of them, and there's nothing guaranteeing that I'm any different.

Saturday, December 21, 2002
     I have a sad, sad life. That guy I was supposed to hang out with and have dinner with Thursday cancelled, because of his ski trip being moved up. Then today, this other guy calls me at work because his date cancelled on him and his company party starts in 2 1/2 hours. And apparently, I'm the only loser with no plans that's still in town. Yes, it's good ol' dependable pokey that has to come to the rescue.
     Now, being the asocial creature that I am, I tried to back out, but he didn't buy my excuse of "no shoes" or "all of my nice clothes - dresses, skirts, etc. - are at home." Which is actually the truth. So I had to haul ass and go buy some black heels, get ready, then go and schmooze with a bunch of people I don't know and whose name I forgot the minute they said it. Hell, I introduced myself to the same person twice within 10 minutes.
     I didn't feel too awkward or stupid since I won't see any of these people again... time went by pretty quickly and the food was very edible. I didn't even mind the hand-holding or the arm around the shoulder to give off an appearance that we were closer than we really are, since this is someone I don't even see as a guy. My ass is definitely off-limits though, thanks. I also don't do the dancing thing. I just look stupid.
     He was sloshed and insisting he wasn't. I finally cut him off and we caught a ride with someone else at my insistence, though I felt I was being overcautious. But if we did get into a DUI-related accident, I'd feel like a fucking idiot with no common sense so... yeah.
     I don't think I want to go to law school anymore. Lawyers are sleazy. I always knew that intellectually, but lately, I've seen it in action too much to ignore. Or maybe I'm just too lazy to write my personal statement.
     Other randomness: I'm getting bored with X/TB. I want to write more WK... maybe because of Gluhen, there's been a revival in that fanficdom. Tons of great new fics are being posted, as well as continuations of old goodies.
     Okay, shower now or wait till morning? My head hurts. Such low tolerance for alcohol... I only had three sips of apple martini and 1/5 glass of midori sour. But... feel too icky... shower before bed it is.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002
     This layout took way too long to make... I like how the film came out but the main images are too big. Oh whatever. I've decided to focus what little energies I have on writing from now on. Even though winter break officially started yesterday, I've been done with finals since last Tuesday... meaning vacation lethargy has had time to settle in. Things that seemed so easy during the school year - working, eating, going to bed, getting up from bed, etc. - seem like such a chore now. Ah, momentum, you are my enemy. Maybe I'll feel better once I go out later this week.